How to become a spy and not screw it up

Published: 2024-03-29
Author: Gerda Ponzel

If you woke up this morning and realized that you are a spy, but the anonymous icon does not correspond to your inner awe, and becoming at home among strangers is a matter of fundamental importance for you, we suggest you pass a simple quest in which you can think in detail the image of an inner spy and try it on the character of this article.

Step 1 – the spy must be dressed

Out of the proposed options choose the one that will elevate the spy of your dreams above the ordinary and make him stand out among the gray mass of spies.

If your spy is a real aesthete who has already experienced the difference between locking systems and security systems, dress him in black or transparent things.

Black lace, loose hoodies, mesh, leather ribbons outlining the silhouette of the body in the spirit of Lisbeth Salander’s attire from the film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” tested by all BDSM practices. Such gloomy negativity of colors in clothes fully reflects the mood after a whole day of searching for vulnerabilities and is in tune with the combination of “suffering & pleasure.”

If your spy is a serious lover of trust domains and dangerous fishing, dress him in clothes that carry formal rigor, dress him in a uniform.

If you grasp the principle of combining the complex with the simple and the frilly with the minimalistic, this will not only help you disguise links using the official websites of well-known companies, but will also help you successfully disguise yourself.

If your spy is a meticulous rebel who loves databases and complex encryption systems, feel free to dress him in early 70s hippie chic.

Flowing translucent fabrics, weightless robes, robes of subtle shades will provide him with a long comfortable stay in front of the monitor to carefully fill out all the transmitted parameters.

Step 2 – the spy must have both hands free

Choose from the suggested accessories what is ideal for the spy of your dreams.

– The sixth human finger, made of soft plastic.

A real spy is well aware of what this device is needed for and is aware that the security camera knows that there are no people with six fingers.

– A lipstick pistol.

Spies are advised to use this gadget for the sake of beauty only. The gadget looks quite innocent – an ordinary lipstick, but with a 4.5 mm bullet “hidden” inside. In order to look at the structure of the dangerous lipstick, you will have to visit the International Spy Museum in Washington, where it was placed in 1965 after it was seized from a German spy.

– Apache horn-rimmed glasses.

The multifunctional camera built into these glasses with an optical stabilizer, which can be found in top smartphones only, will help your spy quietly photograph a page of a book about the main crimes of the 20th century, and with free hands he will easily turn the pages.

Step 3 – Get a partner for your spy

Choose the most reliable partner from the suggested ones and make friends with him.

– Acoustic kittie. 

The Acoustic kitty project was developed in the USA in the 1960s. A radio transmitter was implanted into the animal’s ear canal, and a wire antenna was installed in the fur. The spy kitty could constantly “listen” to what was happening around her. The project cost the creators several tens of millions of dollars, but the very first mission, as the technical worker later admitted, failed. “Instead of going and recording a conversation between two men sitting on a park bench, the fluffy one simply wandered around the lawns, and then suddenly rushed onto a busy street and was crushed by a taxi.”

– An acoustic pigeon soaring in the clouds. 

Pigeons fly at a speed of 50−70 km per hour and at the same time are able to carry loads weighing 80−90 g. Due to these characteristics, pigeons were actively used as postmen during the First World War. In 1907, a German pharmacist developed a method of aerial photography using birds. There is evidence that several decades later in the United States they constructed a special camera powered by electric batteries which was used for espionage using pigeons.

– A rhinoceros beetle. 

The insect is “equipped” with a special DragonflEye backpack. The device contains miniature solar panels that provide power to the electronics, as well as an autonomous navigation system that influences the actions of the insect in a manner specified by the program.

Step 4 – teach the spy of your dreams what you know yourself and give him a briefcase for future trillions (they will most likely forget to do this at the spy academy)

– Teach the spy to be polite. Practice writing letters that begin with polite preambles like “Hope you are doing alright,” and don’t forget the best wishes at the end.

– Tell the spy a couple of technical jokes, upgrade skills, use what is natural for native speakers and inexorably plunge into brain-sucking obsession in your speech.

– Use Maxwell’s equations with the spy from this quiz and teach him to always write code as if he would be supported by a raging psychopath who knows where you live.

– And recommend your spy starting only with Intercal. This way he will quickly become disillusioned with the spy romance and find another job.

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