Ode to pickup: The art of seduction in the age of technology
Disclaimer. The editors of The Global Technology magazine insist that this article is for informational purposes only and strongly advise that you should not become robots. Any resemblance to any people or events is purely coincidental.
We could not help paying attention to some seduction technologies in order to recall them for a while and then forget them for a long time again. And you please forget them.
Chapter 1
Not yet seduction
‘Oh, come on!!!!!!! No, come on!!!!!!!!! ”Your robot will not be able to seduce anyone, because there is nothing special about it, it is too similar to a robot.” It is a robot, you stupid innovation commission!!!’
A young scientist with a burning heart and a hairstyle similar to the riot of feathers of an exotic bird was running along the corridor of the scientific center to his laboratory to forget his failure.
He was stamping his feet so desperately and breathing so intermittently that curious employees began to stick their heads out of the doors of neighboring offices:
‘Are you alright, Mr Put?’
‘Hey, Put, how was your day?’
The young scientist continued his confident course, occasionally nodding to the questions of his curious colleagues. It seemed to him that the whole world was already aware of the offensive phrases that had been said to him that day at the robot committee. He wanted to close himself off and run, run as far as possible from the slow-witted people with their illiterate questions and ignorant comments.
As his boots were pounding steps up another staircase, thoughts in his head were quickly replacing one another, sometimes even bumping into each other.
‘Revenge! I will take revenge!’ said the first thought.
‘We must urgently find dirt on all the participants of today’s event. How many were there? Just three? It won’t be difficult,’ echoed the second thought.
‘Maybe we should also ridicule the inventions of all these pseudo-scientists?’ the third thought urged.
‘We need to come up with a plan where we will have the last word,’ the first thought returned again.
The swarm of thoughts inside the scientist’s head was interrupted by a slightly muffled voice from his suitcase:
‘Sensei, but you yourself began your speech with the words: “Let me introduce you to my robot… I’m not sure yet, but in the future it can cause a revolution…” I myself wanted to fall somewhere so that you could finish as soon as possible. And besides, you are shaking me too much now, my speech modulator has just flown into the transistor compartment. Now you have to fix this too.’
The inventor stopped abruptly and looked at the suitcase.
‘A stupid, stupid thing you are,’ he thought. ‘I have been inventing you for the whole 8 years and showed you today as the most precious thing I have! Oh… if only you had a drop of humanity!’
At that moment, the robot’s parent bit his lower lip and squeezed the suitcase handle even harder:
‘Just you wait, RPV2, we are getting to the lab now!’
Chapter 2
Almost
‘So, what do we have, RPV2?’ the inventor asked seriously, walking around the lab, and looked at his robot.
The beautiful robot made of soft latex followed the inventor only with his eyes. The thing is that the young talent was in such a hurry to get to the robot exhibition, which was approved by the innovation commission, that he hadn’t had time to add a head rotation function to it. The robot could change the angle of its head, nod, flutter its artificial eyelashes, and from a distance it could easily be mistaken for a handsome young man. To be honest, the robot didn’t have arms or legs yet, now it looked more like an ancient Greek bust, but even this bust could induce admiration for several hours in a row.
‘Calculate for me the probability of a positive decision from all members of the commission, provided that I add a second ChatGPT and a quantum accelerator to you.’
‘Sensei, I have already calculated all the probabilities of all possible ones,’ the robot answered in a metallic voice. ‘And you are already drinking your seventh cup of coffee. Nothing has changed in the last five minutes.’
The inventor looked tiredly at his robot, he tried to remember when he got the idea to make the robot look like his childhood nemesis, the crush of all the girls at school and the captain of the football team.
Sometimes it seemed to the inventor that the robot really did have awareness and healthy stubbornness, but those thoughts most likely were arising from the huge number of drunk mugs of coffee, which were forming an even row on each table in the laboratory.
‘Can you understand that you are perfection? Mass production of such talking and smart bodies will solve all the problems of humanity!’ the inventor shouted this right into the robot’s ear. ‘You must make the whole world love you!’
‘My membrane is about to slip again. Why didn’t you shout so desperately at the innovation commission, huh?’ changing the tilt of his head, RPV2 asked in the same metallic voice, and then, turning away from the inventor even more, he informed, ‘Searching for the query “to make everyone fall in love with me”. Search completed.’
The inventor looked at the robot with interest. At some point it seemed to him that the robot even wrinkled its forehead.
‘Let’s say right away that we cannot offer methods with 100% efficiency. Although our advice is based on scientific research and psychological observations, none of the scientists or psychologists promise that thanks to their developments the right person will confess their feelings tomorrow,’ RPV2 quoted the Internet in an even voice. ‘But there are some secret techniques that work on the object that should fall in love with you almost without fail.’
The inventor rubbed his hands and smiled maliciously. He had been sitting idle for several hours, immersed in his insidious thoughts, and now, anticipating a new interesting activity, he was ready to jump to the ceiling.
He patted the robot on the shoulder, put a pencil behind his ear and found some free pages in his notebook.
‘Well, my friend, dictate to me how to improve you so that we can put the stupid innovation commission on the shoulder blades, and after it, all the competitors. Just keep in mind, I’m out of rosin.’
‘Pickup.’
The engineer dropped the pencil from his hands.
‘RPV2, you need to be urgently reflashed, because you no longer understand requests. “What is the name of that secret technology that gives unlimited power and makes the whole world fall in love with you”, that’s what I asked.’
‘Pickup,’ the robot answered calmly. ‘Fans of this philosophy are divided into two categories: “athletes” and “seducers”. “Athletes” reach their goal through improving communication skills, using psychotechnics and relying on the number of objects of seduction. Seducers achieve their goal through complex and beautiful methods of seduction, putting it on the same level with art. However, the goal of both is the same.’
Chapter 3
More, more and more
‘It’s a good thing I don’t have a vestibular system,’ the robot noted, watching the inventor rock back and forth in his chair after hearing the word “pickup.” ‘Otherwise I’d get dizzy when I saw you.’
The robot tried to produce laughter, but the inventor only heard the sound: “kwan-kwan-kwan-kwan.”
‘Pickup,’ the inventor said indignantly. ‘Who invented this pickup?’
‘The pickup community emerged in the 1990s as part of the self-improvement movement. Its founder, Ross Jeffries, created a discussion group in California, where members discussed their problems with seducing women and looked for strategies for seducing them. Jeffreys’s use of neurolinguistic programming techniques was a novelty. It is a theory that claims a connection between neurological processes, language and behavior that is formed on the basis of experience, or “programmed”, and suggests the possibility of acquiring the skills of the modeled person through behavior modeling. His “Speed Seduction” is considered the first school of pickup. Pickup artists are distinguished by assertiveness, lack of empathy for the victim of seduction and animal passion.’
‘So, it turns out that if I teach you some special words and gestures, we will be able to program the feelings of other people?’ the inventor muttered, frowning. ‘What nonsense I am talking.’
‘The main thing is to make sure that the victim’s intellect is turned off and gives way to emotions.’
The inventor placed a plastic board in front of him, on which there were drawn symbols that only he could understand. He wiped part of the written algorithm with his sleeve, removed the cap from the marker with his teeth and spat it out into the trash can.
‘Pele,’ the robot noted the inventor’s precision and tried to chuckle.
‘So,’ the inventor said, ignoring the robot’s irony, and began to write. ‘At first glance, it seems that everything is simple. I would even say that you and I need to switch roles: you will have to play the role of a person at the commission, and I will have to become a robot that has no feelings for its victim. The commission must believe that you are a person, and when they fall into the traps that we will set for their floating brains, you and I will be able to program their consciousness.’
The word ‘to program’ inspired the inventor so much that he took the marker cap out of the trash can and, like Michael Jordan, tried to throw it into it again.
‘The pickup artist amazes the victim with his gaze, smile and winks,’ RPV2 quoted the Internet.
‘You know how to smile,’ the inventor replied, continuing to write something on the plastic board. ‘Let’s add a demonic look to you. What else?’
‘A pickup artist must be able to attract attention, for this he must give the victim a compliment with a hook.’
‘So, I’ll teach you this quickly,’ the young man chattered and started to surf on his mobile. ‘You have beautiful eyes, a beautiful figure and you are excellent at understanding robots. Disgusting.’
The inventor winced, because none of those compliments were true, but the inventor consoled himself with the fact that he would tell the truth to each member of the commission after they accepted his creation. Or, better yet, write each one an SMS.
His conversations with his conscience were interrupted by the robot:
‘Compliments should not be made like this,’ he chewed with his latex lips. ‘Such compliments are given to people every day. To get a person to pay attention to you, you need to add a hook to the compliment, for example: “You have a beautiful skirt, but it doesn’t suit you” or “A gorgeous tie, my late uncle had the same one.” Item 89 of the “Pickup Artist Code,” page 3.’
The inventor looked away from the plastic board and looked at the robot with interest: ‘And does anyone react to such compliments?’
‘99% out of 100, if you believe the statistics of pickup artist victims from the Internet,’ the robot answered indifferently.
The inventor began to fuss again, ‘Well, well, I think I’m starting to understand the purpose of a pickup artist, maybe I’ll find this technology useful someday in my life. What do you say, RPV2? It’s a useful thing. The main thing is that from your lips, the lips of a robot, all the compliments sound plausible. I wonder how to make you able to broadcast on different frequencies?’
The inventor again ran the sleeve of his sweater across the board, then began to write quickly.
‘You didn’t understand anything,’ RPV2 stated categorically. ‘A pickup artist must be able to act bypassing the consciousness system. The entire pickup is built on the knowledge that there are no good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. When the victim’s emotional background rises, their awareness switches off and they begin to commit rash acts. It is at this moment that the pickup artist begins to act.’
The robot wanted to say something else, but the lights in the room suddenly went out.
Chapter 4
The Act of Seduction
Y Combinator Headquarters, Innovation Committee
‘Are you just going to keep quiet, Mr. Put?’ a woman in a blue dress asked. Everyone around her had repeatedly reprimanded her for her lack of dress code and complete lack of taste, but she didn’t seem to care.
‘We gave you $500,000 in investment, and since our last meeting, everything has only gotten worse,’ a man said, casually adjusting the gold watch on his hand.
‘Why is your robot always smiling like it’s defective?’ the woman in the blue dress asked again. ‘Is today some special holiday for it?’
‘The robot is also winking,’ a young man in the gray T-shirt laughed. He was the youngest and most promising robot developer in all of Silicon Valley, so they forgave him everything: beer, being late every time, and unkempt appearance. ‘But after winking, it can’t close its eye for a long time, apparently an iron eyelash gets stuck in it. Shall I tell you how to fix it?’
The inventor of RPV2, as well as his robot, were looking at the commission. The future luminary hid his hands in his trouser pockets so that the two men and woman would not know that at that moment he was digging his nails into his palms with force. ‘Be still,’ he mentally ordered to himself. ‘Be still, the scheme is working. Now we will knock the ground out of them, they will decide that the robot and I have completely gone crazy, then, in a moment of surprise, we will strike them with the first blow.’
‘Esteemed commission,’ Put began slowly. ‘Allow me to introduce you to my robot RPV2. This is the world’s first intelligent robot built by…’
‘You told us this last time,’ the man interrupted the inventor, then touched his gold watch again. ‘Better tell us, have you improved the cognitive functions of your robot?’
‘You have a beautiful watch… and… and you look good today…’ the inventor answered ingratiatingly, turning as white as the walls of the office.
An awkward pause hung in the office, which the woman in the blue dress decided to interrupt. ‘What’s wrong with the watch, Put?’ she said in a trumpet voice. ‘It’s as if you’re deliberately avoiding our questions.’
‘And the robot is still winking at us crookedly,’ the promising startupper noted with a smile.
‘Well, maybe at least RPV2 will talk to us?’ the woman asked with discontent.
The inventor leaned over to his robot, ran his palm over its silicone bust and whispered: ‘Come on, Buddy, don’t let us down, this is your finest hour. Show them how people can act.’
RPV2 turned its head towards the inventor and nodded its head twice in agreement.
‘The gold Patek Philippe watch, worth 2,500 francs, was purchased at an auction in Switzerland. This is the first watch that the company itself had to recall because of the unfortunate weave on the strap, where hair is constantly getting caught. A person who bought such a watch secretly dreams of getting rid of it, but often continues to wear it on his hand because he lacks the courage to admit to himself that he made a bad investment,’ the robot said in a calm metallic voice, slightly stretching out the words and winking at the committee.
The woman in the blue dress opened her mouth in surprise, and the young startupper burst out laughing, watching as the vein on the right temple of the man with the gold watch began to throb desperately.
‘Are you preparing your robot for a stand-up?’ the man asked angrily.
‘Oh, come on, Mr Adams,’ the startupper said conciliatorily. ‘You’re not going to take a robot’s words seriously, are you?’
He looked at the robot with envy, because only a robot could tell a respected investor with a solid package of investment projects that he had made a bad bargain by buying such a watch, and then brag about it.
The robot didn’t notice the startupper’s glance, took a metallic breath, and calmly continued, ‘A merry fellow and a joker is hiding deep anxiety behind his external composure. This defense mechanism helps a person hide his own incompetence. Some groups of people showed positive dynamics after working through their inferiority complex in group therapy, but those who were overly fond of drinks with a high alcohol content showed no dynamics,’ it quoted the Internet.
After this information, the innovation commission fell silent, and the woman in the blue dress began to look for something among the papers on the table. When the numbness passed, the young startupper laughed again, ‘I can’t figure out what model you trained your robot on, Put, but your robot has definitely started to speak better since our last meeting.’
RPV2 tilted his head towards the young startupper and added in the same metallic voice, ‘The excellent student complex is one of the most common neurotic disorders and it stems from beliefs in insufficient efficiency.’
The young startupper felt uneasy: first RPV2 mentioned beer, now this. Moreover, during its speech, the robot moved so close to the startupper and was blinking so often that the startupper involuntarily moved his chair away from it so far that one leg of the chair landed on the woman’s blue dress. Out of fear the woman coughed and began to forcefully pull out the hem of her dress, which, contrary to logic, was increasingly wrapping around the chair.
‘A beautiful dress,’ the robot calmly commented on the situation, which did not cause any emotions in it as a robot. ‘A blue one. I think I saw a similar dress in one of the episodes of the “South Park” cartoon where men dressed up as women.’
The robot again unnaturally tilted its head, this time towards the man with the expensive watch, and began to wink at him with algorithmic frequency.
The inventor of the robot noted that the woman, to whom RPV2 made a dubious compliment, noticeably blushed and covered the neckline of her dress with her hand. ‘We must have gone too far,’ he thought with horror, and licked his lips in anticipation of a bad ending.
Chapter 5
Before the Seduction
‘So, we are turning off my emotional sphere and creating immunity to the truth so that I don’t melt in front of the commission and don’t feel sorry for them,’ the inventor began to cross out words on the plastic board. ‘It won’t be easy, but they deserve it.’
‘Hmm,’ the robot said to this, ‘the Internet doesn’t say anything about “immunity to the truth.” But it does say a lot about immunity, and all the information on this issue is contradictory. What is “immunity to the truth”, Sensei?’
‘It’s when you evaluate yourself objectively and turn any remark addressed to you into an advantage. That’s how you become invulnerable,’ the inventor answered and took some wires out of the closet. ‘What in your opinion immediately catches the eye when you see me?’
‘You’re short and noticeably balding, and you’re not even thirty yet,’ the robot said immediately.
‘Yes, I’m short, but the police can’t see me. And yes, I’m starting to go bald because the sun loves me, which means you will too.’
‘I’ve never heard anything more stupid in my life,’ the robot stated categorically. ‘You’re going bald because…’
‘I know why I’m going bald,’ the inventor snapped. ‘But the robot commission doesn’t need to know that.’
Chapter 6
The Act of Seduction
Y Combinator Headquarters, Innovation Committee
‘I’m definitely starting to like this robot,’ the man with the gold watch noted with a smile. He couldn’t erase from his memory the shame of the woman in the blue dress, which the young startup founder almost took off with his awkward movements.
‘Yeah, it’s funny,’ the young talent added.
‘Sometimes even too much,’ the woman summed up with bitterness in her voice.
The inventor of the robot was inwardly jubilant, but tried his best not to show it. ‘So, I’m starting to go bald, I’m short, what else can I remember? Oh, and I bite my nails, I have problems with communication, damn… why is it that today this amuses me instead of upsetting me?’
‘Thank you,’ RPV2 responded in a steely voice. ‘It seems to me I’m starting to think.’
‘What about?’ the startupper responded with interest. It seemed like he forgot that he was talking to a robot.
‘About what would have happened if someone else had developed me, for example, you.’
The startupper broke into a satisfied smile, and the inventor of the robot noted to himself that RPV2 had moved on to the point of “Creating competition”.
‘Or you,’ the robot addressed the woman in the blue dress and blinked desperately. ‘I’m just a machine, and some things could be learned only from a woman.’
‘Like what, for example?’ the meticulous startupper asked.
‘Such as empathy and life wisdom,’ the robot concluded almost like a person.
‘Yeah, right, she’ll teach you wisdom, dream on,’ the man with the gold watch responded. ‘If she were the only one making decisions, many brilliant inventions would have never seen the light of day. Just remember the robot parking attendant. Isn’t that right?’
‘Your robot parking attendant often confused left and right. And in general, it’s not good to push your protégés in such vile ways,’ the woman answered reproachfully.
She also liked RPV2. Just a couple of weeks ago, it seemed to her another talking torso, of which she had seen many in that office, and now the robot was literally blossoming in front of her eyes.
‘Bravo, bravo, Mr. Put,’ she addressed the inventor. ‘Your robot brings up interesting things that no one dares to say out loud. If my vote determines whether to continue funding you and whether you represent our business incubator, then I will definitely vote for you. So that no one would reproach me anymore for not giving life to young projects.
‘No, no, no,’ the man with the gold watch answered her. ‘You can’t just be kind like that. I’ve been wanting to ask you for a long time, Lady, when was the last time you invented something? Or is that the only way you can appropriate other people’s inventions?”
The inventor thought to himself with glee: ‘Point three, the victims have shifted their focus and are fighting for their superiority. We just have to wait a little longer.’
Chapter 7
A couple of minutes earlier…
‘I wonder,’ the inventor said thoughtfully, looking at the plastic board, ‘How do all these pickups end?’
The RPV2 robot also looked at the board, on which there were written the formulas of seduction, setting the evaluation frame, the rules of adaptation, the stages of forming a positive image and technologies for getting rid of competitors.
‘The Internet says that…’ the robot began to quote, but the inventor interrupted him.
‘I don’t think I want to know that yet,’ the inventor interrupted RPV2.
Chapter 8
The Lights Out Again
Y Combinator Headquarters, Innovation Committee.
‘Sorry to interrupt your argument,’ the inventor began his speech tactfully. ‘I’m sorry that the robot and I became the unwitting catalysts of your unresolvable contradictions. What can I say in the end? We really worked hard to create a perfect miracle that could be a faithful assistant for every person and I’m glad that you have noted our progress in this direction. Of course, there is still a lot of work to do, human consciousness is moving forward and we also need to train our robot if we want to humanize it as much as possible. It can already do many things, and it still needs to be taught many things, but a start has been made.’
While the inventor of the robot was speaking, pointing with his hand at his creation, the woman in the blue dress, trying to find out if robots had a soul, was looking the robot straight in the eyes without looking away. The investor was looking thoughtfully at his gold watch, pulling it off his hand, then putting it back on. The young startupper was watching the frequency with which the robot blinked to drive away thoughts of beer. RPV2 thought he was a human.
This story ended with… Stop.
Here should be an ending to our story, which can end with an unfair victory for the inventor and his long conversations with his conscience. Or the story can end with the inventor being satisfied with how this technology works, but remembering his human qualities in time and not wanting to win at any cost. The story can even end with all the people remaining people, and the robot remaining a robot.
But we will never know it, because the lights went out in the building again.
