How to handle manipulators: Essential strategies for self-defense
Disclaimer. The editors of The Global Technology magazine insist that this article is for informational purposes only and categorically do not recommend readers to practice the skill of suspecting everyone around them of using sophisticated manipulation techniques.
You were manipulated yesterday. You are being manipulated today. You will be manipulated tomorrow. Even now, while reading this article, they are trying to hack your brain to influence your behavior in their interests: bright advertising screams that with Tesla Cybertruck you will instantly master superpowers, the Internet categorically informs you that British scientists have proven the negative effect of caffeine on the formation of self-determination in bats, and promoters in stores utter something inarticulate, just to sell you another unnecessary thing. You are being manipulated by everyone.
In order to protect yourself from the poisonous targets and arrows that sophisticated hackers of human consciousness have placed everywhere and are aiming them straight at your heart, your soul and your pocket, you will have to carefully prepare yourself, select the appropriate arsenal of means of protection and arm yourself with a whole set of antidotes.
A few simple steps will help you prepare for a meeting with manipulators and keep your sanity, pride, hair color, dignity and wallet intact.
Step one – arming ourselves with knowledge and packing a backpack with protection against manipulators
Put an academic shield at the bottom of the backpack
When hunting for manipulators, you need to immediately arm yourself with a wide range of knowledge, which will immediately make even the most sophisticated puppeteers lose their protective mantle.
And where did the term “manipulator” come from? A manipulator is a large crane that is used in the construction of large engineering facilities. This crane is manually controlled by a person called an “operator” or “manipulator”. In order for such a large crane to move a large object needed for construction, the manipulator hooks this object with a huge hook by some protruding part of it.
The same mechanics are used in life manipulations: in order to incline you to a certain decision or to a certain behavior, the manipulator must clearly understand what he can hook you by.
The Academic Shield can be placed in a backpack or travel bag and used at the first attempt at manipulation.
Put an aspen stake in each compartment of the backpack and put on a didactic bulletproof vest
In order to exclude a sudden attack by manipulators who hide around every corner, it would be a good idea to put garlic around your neck, put an aspen stake in each compartment of the backpack, cover vulnerable parts of the body with a didactic bulletproof vest and understand that our whole life consists of manipulations.
What does the phrase alone take: “Well, you will help me with this, won’t you? We are friends after all!”
People often manipulate other people unconsciously, out of habit, doing it openly, demanding simple benefits for themselves here and now. This type of manipulation belongs to the type of “simple” and “open” manipulations.
They are “simple” because there is no complex mechanics for such manipulations and they are carried out in 2 moves: the manipulator said some phrase or did some action, in exchange for this he received some answer. Or didn’t receive it.
Such manipulations are called “open” because the manipulator openly shows their goal: “If you don’t answer my message right now, I’ll leave!”
The didactic bulletproof vest will save you from any kind of simple manipulation:
— If you don’t fulfill this part of the agreement now, consider that our friendship is over.
— If our friendship is over, I will not fulfill this part of the agreement.
Garlic on your neck, thanks to its smell, will protect you not only from manipulation, but also from attacks by entire flocks of manipulators. Unless, of course, you do not want to fall for the manipulative hook and do not find open manipulations a funny and harmless game.
Put garlic and a navigator in the backpack pockets, attach an athletic lightning rod to the backpack straps
In order to protect yourself from manipulations in two moves, you will only need to get a good navigator; a bulletproof vest and garlic will help you avoid places where manipulators gather.
But for the next type of manipulation, you will have to use a stronger weapon, because such manipulations always have a goal and this goal is you.
Here you can even swallow your saliva.
Intentional manipulations are always carefully planned and carried out consciously, because of this, they are usually stretched in time, unlike simple open manipulations.
Intentional manipulators always have a goal and a target, for which they scrupulously select mechanics. Such manipulations are never random, they are always tied to human fears, vices and vulnerabilities.
Brief instructions on using a lightning rod
Before you start to get any life information that is dear to you from the piggy bank of your soul, it is recommended to always ask yourself the questions:
— If I share my most intimate things now, will this information be able to harm me if we stop being friends?
— If I tell my global experience now, will this information be able to harm me if we stop being partners?
— If I share my fears now, will this information be able to harm me if we are competitors?
— If I reveal my true self now, will this information be able to harm me if we get a bad divorce?
Lightning rod side effect
You will likely be considered a secretive person and a mysterious interlocutor. Perhaps, thanks to the lightning rod, you will cause another manipulation: “Well, this is no good. You already know everything about me, and I know nothing about you.” You should not take such words seriously, because you already have a lightning rod and a clear conviction that there must always be room for a successful maneuver in the future.
Now that the personal protective equipment is collected and carefully put into all pockets, you are ready to hack the system and the whole big world of manipulators with it.
You can swallow again and move on to the next step, where you will have to think like a manipulator, see like a manipulator, breathe like a manipulator and even find a skillfully hidden manipulator in yourself.
Step two – orienting ourselves on the terrain and studying the personalities of the manipulators
Portraits of manipulators
Manipulator-Blackmailer
Uses a scenario:
“If you don’t eat your porridge, you won’t go for a walk!”, “If you don’t do your homework, you won’t play on the computer!”, “If you drown, don’t come home!”
The blackmailer always intimidates. More often than not, not directly, but surreptitiously.
“I won’t be able to love you if you cheat on me”, “If you hurt me, our evening will be ruined”, “If you get drunk, I’ll go spend the night at my friend’s”, “If you don’t tolerate my antics, I’ll quit the job”, “If you don’t obey me in everything, I’ll fire you!”
The threats are seemingly innocent, but when you start to react to them, the blackmailer goes further. You live in constant tension, knowing that if you do something wrong, you will be punished by deprivation of love, warmth, attention, loyalty, sex, freedom or whatever.
The blackmailer knows exactly what to put pressure on in your case. He will not threaten you with things you don’t care about – he knows your “supervaluables” and your weak points. By and large, he himself is not happy to behave this way, but he does not know other methods to achieve what he wants. He wasn’t taught it. It happens. And he does not want to learn it on his own – look how well it works. The trick is that in the end, both of you get tired of it. Both of you will want to get out of this situation, but there is no way – you have gotten used to it.
Gentle Manipulator
Uses the script:
“No, not you too!”
In fact, in order to hack your entire life system, such a manipulator has only one tool which is resentment.
“Brian, don’t be so upset, okay, we’ll buy you that car!”, “Don’t cry, my dear, we’ll punish your offender!”, “Speak to him politely, he’s so sensitive!”, “I won’t be friends with him, he’s bad”, “If he did that, he doesn’t deserve my friendship” – this is what the eternally offended hear and say.
They have firmly learnt that if they get offended, everything will change and be as they want. Having grown up, they forgot that this was their way of getting what they wanted, they began to think that they were REALLY offended. They were hurt, their interests were not taken into account, they were not listened to, not understood, not calmed down, not supported, insulted in their best feelings, betrayed. They do not say that the whole world is unfair to them, they will always find that one and only one who spat in their soul. Then another one, and another. And they all hurt them, again and again. And if you do this to me again this time…
“Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me” – that’s what you should repeat when you are next to such a person. “I’m a pig, I’m a stupid heartless idiot, I didn’t mean it, I’ll improve, don’t leave, stay, answer the call, come back!”
The offended person does not forgive right away. He needs time to go obstinate. And you – to swim in a sense of guilt.
There is nothing wrong with asking for forgiveness if you really screwed up. On the contrary, to be able to ask for forgiveness is a very cool quality. But this is not the case. The reasons for resentment will multiply. The situation will not change.
Caring Manipulator
Uses the script:
“I was a good girl today, now buy me this candy.”
“Grandma, I was so good today, can I go to my friends?”, “Mommy, I have baked you a pie by myself, don’t you love me more than Alan?”, “Mrs. Stone, I’ve brought you new chalk, and here’s another mistake in my test, please don’t give me a bad grade!”
Caring people are special people. They do everything for you. But when they grow up, they leave out the second part, that is, why they actually cared for you. They still hope for encouragement, but they don’t talk about it. Maybe they themselves have already forgotten why they try to be so nice and helpful.
A relationship with caring people seems like heaven at first. Especially for those who have dreamed of this care all their lives, or for those who have always lived in such care. But this is your partner, not your mother. Your mother is gone! And now you will be asked to pay for this care. Not right away, but after some time. How to leave a person who is “pure kindness”? How to refuse someone who knows in advance what you want and how you feel? How to disturb the comfort that surrounds you despite the fact that you have already begun to suffocate?
Stuffiness is the first sign that you have been caught. Everything seems fine, but it is stuffy.
Manipulator-Narcissist
Uses the script: “Come on, you love me”
This type of manipulator always acts with a sweet smile and constantly appeals to a sense of justice. “Come on, you are an irreplaceable worker”, “Come on, we can’t do it without you”, “Come on, we are relatives”, “Come on, it’s not that hard for you”.
It seems that behind each “Come on” there goes an objective assessment of your personality, and the request itself even contains a hidden compliment. And so, you leave work later than everyone else, do more than anyone else, jump further than anyone else, break away from your place earlier than anyone else.
You are teased, you join the game, but this is a game without a prize. Sometimes it seems to you that you have reached the goal, but this is just another stage. Eternal flickering. Lights in the swamps.
Manipulator-Aggressor
Uses the script:
“Yeah… I knew that you would not cope with it, I just wanted to make sure”.
This type of manipulator is convinced that his criticism makes you better, because you will be ashamed not to justify the trust placed in you. “Everyone can do it, only you can’t”, “Everyone already has stable families for quite a long time, but no one needs you alone”, “You have upset me very much, everyone has normal teams, but you…” Such phrases really work with people who constantly need to prove that they are no worse than others.
Such a manipulator lives with the conviction that everything depends on him. That if he had acted differently, it would have been better. A kind of “God complex.” Behind this feeling, he stops seeing other people, he sees only himself and his imaginary guilt.
You are trying to say that this is how the circumstances turned out and now you need to figure out how to get out of the situation. But hell the hell will you! This is his territory. He is already guilty and he does not need to decide anything, change, fix or just act further. And together with such a manipulator, you are always guilty too. Even if you are not.
Manipulator-Troll
Uses the scenario: “And how much did they pay you for this?”
It seems that Internet trolls are the most harmless creatures, it’s hard to even call them manipulators. With their phrases like “This doesn’t suit you”, “Can’t it be simpler?”, “I wonder where you got such money from”, the troll simply gets you talking, raising the emotional temperature.
Trolls know how to appear out of nowhere and hide in time. While you are dreaming about how the radiant sun will warm your ankles, how gentle waves will kiss you on the nose and carry you forward along the delighted sighs of dolphins, the troll has already found your post from last year on a popular social network and is starting his attack. And so, breaking out of the realm of wonderful fantasies, you take your mobile, see that very comment and start making excuses, to which the hidden troll replies: “Well, I told you, he’s making excuses, so he’s guilty.”
Then you decide to act differently, grab your samurai sword and decide to give a stern rebuff to the Internet manipulator. But even then the noble troll will find something to cool your ardor: “Why are you so nervous? Professionals, to whom you consider yourself, are not so nervous. Don’t be nervous.”
You helplessly look around in search of support, because it’s not so easy to defeat a slippery manipulator – he, like a bottomless mouth, will swallow everything. And there is no support, no dolphins, no trolls around.
After you have studied in detail the portraits of those who you will have to defend yourself from, you can move on to the next step.
Step three – preparing deadly antidotes to certain types of manipulation and greedily repel attacks of manipulators
If a manipulator has cornered you and is attacking your brain with familiar phrases: “Come on, you will do this for me, we are friends”, “Come on, we are one team”, thereby calling for making certain actions or steps, the antidote will not help you
You can repel such an attack by simply agreeing to everything.
— Come on, you love me.
— Of course. But this does not mean that I have to say “yes” all the time.
— Come on, we are one team, finish this work for me.
— We really are one team and I will help you, although it will not be easy. Therefore, it will be fair if after this you take on some of my work.
— Come on, we are friends, Smith.
— We are friends and I would not want my refusal to somehow affect our relationship.
If manipulators have caught you in front of the TV screen and are trying to steal your soul with a mind-blowing slogan: “Coca Cola is the best drink because it is Coca Cola!”, the antidote that will help you is “Yes, but that is not an argument.”
Advertising often likes to use this type of manipulation, using a thesis without an argument. Receiving the thesis twice, in fact, the brand twice, a person will not think about the truth of such a statement.
— Coca Cola is the best drink because it is Coca Cola!
— YES. BUT THAT IS NOT AN ARGUMENT.
— Aspirin helped your grandmothers – it will help you too!
— YES. BUT THAT IS NOT AN ARGUMENT.
This antidote works not only in commercials:
— No offense, Smith, but something is wrong with you.
— Why?
— You are different from “normal people”.
— Excuse me?
— From my idea of normal people.
— YES. BUT THAT IS NOT AN ARGUMENT.
If manipulators have found you between the shelves of a shopping centre and are trying to capture your attention with the help of convincing phrases like “Free time is the best detergent, because it is obvious,” the antidote that will help you is “Who are all these people?”
This manipulative technique – to present a thesis as an argument, was invented by traveling salesmen in the 16th century. This manipulation has a hidden subtext: “Prove that you are no worse than others.” Indeed, if something is obvious to the whole world, and you are the only one who does not recognize this obviousness, then at some point in time you will need to recognize this obviousness in order to become like everyone else. But we cannot just succumb to the cunning tricks of manipulators.
— Free time is the best detergent, it is obvious.
— Obvious to whom? Who are all these people?
— Thailand is a great country to live in, everyone knows that.
— Who are all these people?
This antidote also perfectly reflects all the references to British scientists:
— No offense, Smith. But choosing this salad for lunch is not your best decision. British scientists have proven that organic acids and fibre have a negative impact on libido and social skills.
— What studies have been conducted in this area? Who was in the focus group? Which scientists from which part of Britain? Who are all these people?
If a manipulator has caught you off guard at work and uses a memorized text to distract your brain: “The formulation of the paradox is based on the obvious premise that one grain does not make a heap, and the inductive premise that adding one grain to a non-heap is insignificant for the formation of a heap,” the antidote that will help you is “Sorry, but I don’t understand anything.”
This simple and, at first glance, harmless manipulation belongs to the group of personal-emotional attacks. There are situations when special terminology is appropriate among colleagues and subordinates. But often, the manipulator, using complex sentence constructions, tries to distract you, shift the focus of your attention to incomprehensible words and mysterious terms, counting on the fact that only a few will find the strength to admit that they did not understand a single word.
This technique is often used by politicians during debates or press conferences.
— The idea that there are statements the truth of witch cannot be determined contradicts our intuition. Reflecting on this contradiction, we will easily come to doubt the knowability of the world.
— Sorry, but I did not understand anything. Please rephrase your statement.
— If we take the standard of living of the population as the initial value, we will see that the behavior of society sharply correlates with the perception of power of each individual. We cannot allow such a situation in the future, so we take into account all the information we have obtained from the statistics of the resources under our jurisdiction.
— Sorry, but I did not understand anything. Will the pothole in the road be cemented?
This antidote will help you in any unclear situation:
— Smith, if you have come to talk to me again about your vacation, my answer will remain the same. According to your reasoning, the conclusion remains the same at each step, but the belonging of its correctness decreases with each step. When this belonging falls below 50%, the opposite conclusion becomes more correct.
— Sorry, but I don’t understand anything. Am I going on vacation this month or not?
If a manipulator has ambushed you while talking on the phone and is desperately trying to control your finances with the help of enticing phrases like “After I tell you about all the advantages, you will buy everything from us,” the antidote that will help you is “Oh, what a holiday is today!”
This manipulative technique is very popular with telephone salesmen, casino salesmen, police officers and insurance agents. It is based on shaky trust and not entirely honest concealment of information: “If you trust me – my life experience, my knowledge, my authority, you will agree.”
— After I tell you about all the advantages, you will buy everything from us!
— Oh, what a holiday is today! You know my future! Tell me, when will I earn my first million?
— After I voice all the arguments, you will agree with me.
— Oh, what a holiday is today! Perhaps your arguments will not only change my decision, but will also change the climate on earth?
This antidote will repel even the most treacherous attack:
— Smith, I don’t want to seem tactless, but if you knew what kind of people sent me here, you would pour my coffee a little faster.
— Oh, what a holiday is today! I have always dreamed of having four legs instead of two. You are simply a magician and sorcerer, Director.
If a manipulator has noticed your page on social networks and tries to question your stories in which you demonstrate your culinary talent, your poetic thoughts and even a photo of your cousin Oprah with the words: “And why do we need to know all this? Who do you work for?”, an antidote that does not yet exist will help you.
This is a favorite manipulation of stalkers and Internet trolls, and it is difficult in that there is no effective antidote to it.
You can add a particularly persistent manipulator to the blacklist, he will create 10 new pages. You can simply ignore the words that are offensive to you, to which you will see the note: “Keep silent? Then there is nothing for you to answer.” You can desperately start making excuses or enter into an exciting polemic, giving the manipulator the opportunity to think that his goal has been achieved. Roughly speaking, this manipulation is without a goal and is aimed at raising your emotional degree. Often, an unprepared person can say too much in the heat of the moment, and then regret it, this is what the Internet troll is counting on.
What you should definitely never do is to respond immediately:
– to trolling
– to insults
– to an uncomfortable question or message
Take a pause until your emotional degree returns to normal and do not take seriously all the accusations that are voiced in your address.
— How much did they pay you to advertise this?
— I would be grateful if you could count all my words, multiply them by the current exchange rate fragility taking inflation into account, and divide them by all the commas. If you can handle this task, I will hire you as an economist or an accountant.
— How can you be so rude?
— We can talk about this now, but I would still suggest that we move our conversation to a businesslike direction and exchange remarks more constructively. Or do you want me to start making excuses now?
This antidote is used by all MFA employees, try to implement it yourself:
— Mr. Director, I wonder, how did you get this position?
— What is your purpose in asking, Smith?
— Maybe I also want to have some privacy with someone …
— As soon as I study all the materials, I will inform you.
If a manipulator does not lie in wait for you in a shopping mall, does not catch you on a mobile phone, does not read your browser history and does not attack you from TV screens, but at some point you realize with horror that you agree to conditions that deprive you of common sense and sleep, only one antidote will help you – it is awareness.
“>If there is an antidote for all simple two-move manipulations, they almost always clearly have a goal and it is not so difficult to arrange a scenario breakdown for the manipulator, then there are no antidotes for this type of manipulation. The goal of this complex manipulation is to remove you and get dry out of the water.
And here you can swallow too.
As a rule, a non-professional manipulator will not be able to perform this manipulative mechanics, because its implementation requires long-term preparation and appropriate qualifications. Its feature is that the manipulator creates some conditions, and you make all the decisions. This type of manipulation is usually used against politicians and public figures.
A cunning manipulator carefully studies behavior and looks for moments in which the awareness of the chosen figure gives way, giving way to destructive emotions.
A manipulator will find everything useful – things you laughed at several years ago (this is all indicated in your social networks), things to which you once reacted especially sharply (this is also clearly visible in your communication on social networks, remember the situation with trolling), all your fears, doubts and carefully hidden secrets. There are examples in history when even an offensive nickname that a person was given in childhood caused difficult memories and a completely conscious character turned into a hunted puppet.
A manipulator will use everything to simulate a situation from which you will not be able to get out on your own. Therefore, before entering the big game, you need to hide everything personal from social networks, chats and Wikipedia as deeply as possible.
Pump up your awareness, show the audience only what you can subsequently cope with if such consequences occur. Perhaps you will have to lose something, perhaps you will have to face situations that you have long forgotten about, perhaps you will even have to get to know yourself again. These are the rules of big business, big politics, big game.
Step four – reinforcing counter-manipulative skills and making the right choice
You shouldn’t suspect all people of using manipulative techniques on you. Most often, people who direct manipulative arrows at you do so because they don’t know how to do it any other way. And most often, you agree to the manipulator’s terms because you want to maintain a kind and soft-hearted relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
You can be offended by touching those very cherished strings of your soul that sound the loudest, but this can happen unconsciously, without malicious intent or a specific goal.
In any case, you always have a choice:
You can never follow the manipulator’s script (unless, of course, you want it);
You have every right not to prove anything to anyone and not to demand justice;
If you see that the dialogue with you is being deliberately diverted, you have the right to point it out.
For every manipulation, for every counterargument, for every antidote you will have to pay with consequences. If you are not ready for them, do not decide anything, take a break, think what is more important for you – to reveal the mechanics of the manipulator right now or to continue to follow the script line of the skillful tyrant.
In the end, look at the “Manipulator” – a crane for carrying heavy loads, which will definitely have the following written on it: “You will never be intentionally manipulated if there is nothing to hook you onto.”
