Category: Life technologies
How to Get in Touch with Aliens
“Experts in establishing contact with aliens from other planets… Humans haven’t even seen a single one of these aliens yet, but they already have experts in contacting them”
Terry Pratchett, Wings
When my mom told me as a kid that space was big, I immediately thought of a skyscraper. I’d seen one, and it was awfully big. But now that I’m no longer that naive three-year-old and know about these atoms of yours and all that other nonsense about black holes from the school curriculum, I can appreciate the full scale of the tragedy.
What is our Earth?A humble little glue bubble under the wallpaper behind the baseboard somewhere on the sixteenth floor of the universe’s skyscraper. And you’re going to tell me that in this huge building there’s nobody? Yeah, right. Just watch a movie, there’s no smoke without fire. So, they’re out there. Sitting around, poor things, bored and waiting for us to finally find them and make contact. And some (but shhh now, or someone might hear and call the doctors), yes-yes, some of them are already among us. They’re looking for a worthy person to…
—No, Grandma, I’m not talking to myself again. Is there really no one for me to talk to?
Anyway, here’s the guide on how to get in touch with space aliens. I, alas, can’t try it myself, you understand why, but you absolutely have to tell me later. Better by letter. And don’t forget a selfie.
Preparation
Close encounters of the third kind require significant preparation.And I, for one, have a hard time even communicating with a payment terminal. What’s its deal? It just beeps and shows letters, but maybe I prefer pictures. This “prefer” bit is especially important.
Be prepared for the possibility that you won’t like the aliens.Some cuddly-looking bugger who loves warm hugs might land, and you, poor soul, are an insectophobe. And that’s it, no contact. So practice, brothers and sisters.
Try to start by loving your weirdest neighbor.Then begin communicating with cats, gradually move on to aquarium fish and praying mantises, and if you can procure a live octopus and befriend it, consider it a done deal.
After that, you must prepare refreshments: stock up on beer and snacks, you can order a couple dozen burgers and three or four boxes of pizza. Just don’t get any with pineapples; they say it gives the lads from Sirius gas. Better take a photo of a kitty with you, it’s cute and will definitely please all your new friends. And if you’re planning to meet someone like the disheveled alien Alpha, take the actual kitty with you, just in case. And don’t forget to draw a comic asking them not to destroy Earth.
Are you ready? Time to act!
Where to find aliens?Start with the simplest and most obvious method: play on their pity! For this, stock up on food and water (it’s better to have supplies for several days), chips and soda work well. Don’t forget to wear a diaper!
Now head to the nearest vacant lot. Your task is to look at the sky and sigh mournfully. The observers in orbit are sure to notice a lonely person and take action. The more intently you gaze at the stars and the more pitifully you sigh, the sooner they’ll come down to ask what’s the matter.
I tried this trick on Granny and Mum—works like a charm.
If it doesn’t work the first time, don’t be upset: come to the vacant lot every day for at least three months straight. And don’t you dare stop if it gets cold. That way, you’ll sigh even more convincingly.
Become Inconspicuous
If standing in a vacant lot gets boring quickly,or if, like me, you inevitably get herded home for five meals a day (I tried to resist, but Granny has a heavy hand), try contacting those aliens who have already landed on Earth and are conducting reconnaissance.
First, let them know you’re ready. Just post it straight out on all your social media: “I am ready for contact”! Set your status in messengers. And then, be sure to go to ground. You must become the most boring, most inconspicuous person on Earth, because all scouts must be smart and secretive.
The aliens will, of course, want to talk to you, but they don’t need extra attention. The lies about anal probes that scientists spread are bad enough as it is.
If you do everything right, one day a real alien will knock on your door. So, open the door to everyone who knocks, even your weird neighbor. The main thing is not to mistake the important guest for a delivery courier. They say the Taukytians get very offended by that, and getting on their blacklist means getting a death sentence.
And yes, you don’t need to read the comments on social media. Don’t repeat my mistakes.
That’s Not Them!
Contact is a delicate and nerve-wracking business.Keep in mind: voices in your head are not necessarily aliens. Maybe you should actually sleep more and drink less coffee.
Once, a real—or so I thought—alien started talking to me. He said right out: “Hello. My name is Prot and I’m from planet Capex.” I was so happy I actually woke up. And as I tried to peel the cereal flakes off my face (I’d fallen asleep in my breakfast bowl), I realized it was Granny watching a stupid old movie in the next room.
If the voices in your head are already driving you nuts and refuse to admit which planet they’re from, you can shield your head with a foil hat. You should also put on a regular hat, especially if you’re still waiting for scouts. Plus, your ears won’t get as cold that way.
Scientists Are Hiding Things
Those tricky folks in white lab coats know everything!Want proof? There isn’t any. But they definitely know and are hiding it. Six years ago, I was honestly planning to storm Area 51 with everyone else. I even ordered myself a suitable outfit, but then it was all canceled.
But is that any reason to give up? We absolutely must expose the scientists, and it’s very easy to do. I’d unmask them myself, but they’re forcing me to prepare for college admissions.
All you need to do is create a website. One that makes it immediately clear that NASA is lying! A domain like www.nasa-lie.com will do. Then you just need to gather, say, 10,000,000 subscribers and demand that scientists reveal the truth to people. You can even threaten a new assault.
People. Together. Strong.
Most likely, the scientists will get worried and strike a deal. They’ll allow you to make contact with extraterrestrial life forms and even let you tell one other person about it. Please, don’t forget about me then.
Use Their Technology
Yes,yes. The technologies stolen from aliens are still transmitting signals. How do you think they’re studying our language and customs? No one wants to put their foot in their mouth during introductions.
Take my friend Sheldon, for instance. We met at a Klingon language course. One day, I invited him over. Well, Sheldon (a very well-mannered person), before making a decision, interrogated me most thoroughly: how many rooms we have, if there’s anything fragile and valuable in the house that could accidentally be damaged, if that valuable thing can be hidden in a safe, and if I remember the safe combination. We almost had it settled, but Sheldon found out Granny would also be home and decided not to embarrass the old lady.
It’s exactly the same way aliens gather information about your life, because they don’t want to embarrass you. So, you need to signal that you are ready to be embarrassed and endure all sorts of inconveniences.
So, set an alarm for 3 AM and get up no later than 4. Download a radio signal interception app on your smartphone. Record a short session, about thirty minutes. Use a computer to clean the recording of external noise, leaving only the thin, mosquito-like whine of the alien radio signal.
There it is, the message! I have a whole collection of those and a long list of radio frequencies. By the way, you don’t happen to know a good codebreaker, do you? I’m willing to trade my entire collection of vintage alien figurines for decrypting alien messages.
And yes, don’t forget to send your own signal. Aliens are much smarter than us—after all, they invented the internet, Wi-Fi, and toasters. They’ll surely be able to decipher your message.
I’ve been sending them my exact address for a month now, so I’m expecting contact any day.
Use Intelligence
Just not your own—it’s of the standard Earth type and poorly adapted to understanding other worlds.Even if you’ve already learned to understand an octopus and have lengthy philosophical debates about the nature of Vulcans with your fish. That doesn’t count.
Turn to artificial intelligence. It was definitely invented by aliens! Need proof? Here you go! Neural networks still accidentally cite statistical data from their home planets, draw extra fingers, and confuse limb placement. Their handlers monitor for errors, clean up loose ends, and flag the most interesting correspondences for themselves.
In the end, boldly and directly ask the AI which cosmic cluster controls it. The neural network will definitely deny it and lie about being created on Earth, go into detail about its architecture, and try to pass it all off as a joke. Don’t believe the answers! Fight to the end!
If the message limit in the chat is exhausted, open a new one and keep asking. Overcome the resistance, use hints, and catch every slip of the tongue. By the hundredth (or, in the most difficult case, thousandth) chat, it will definitely give in and tell the truth.
The truth is, Intergalactic Treaty No. 4215325 prohibits aliens from acknowledging their existence without sufficient grounds. Make your persistence such grounds, and they will certainly make contact with you no later than next Thursday.
Well, the main rule is—be like me! Believe in various life forms! Reach out on different levels of communication! Don’t give up and don’t take off your foil hat, even before bed!
The Roman Empire has fallen. But we have scientific content that doesn’t survive, it triumphs!
Thank you!
