Category: Cognitive technologies
Anti-Aging—A Calendar for Repentant Ageists
“…small people don’t like change.
They like today to be the same as yesterday,
and tomorrow to be the same as today.”
Yevgeny Vodolazkin, Walking Unafraid: Between Literature and Life
The waiting room—a classic metaphor for life. Trains of years follow a set schedule. To a well-known destination, but on different life routes. The waiting passengers gaze intently into the foggy unknown. Some with the cheerful smile of an adventurous traveler—looking forward to what’s new. Others with the resigned sigh of a porter, soon to be asked to carry one more suitcase. The anxious notes of ageism echo through the station’s loudspeakers. The same old record about the unattainability of the age-related zen, when it’s no longer too early (milk has dried on the lips), but it’s also not yet too late (the devil hasn’t yet knocked on your side).
We put on our headphones. The editorial team sincerely wishes you a pleasant journey. Even if you already have experience with multiple transfers. Or, on the contrary, you’re just starting out. To prevent the viral practice of self-ageism, we nail an anti-aging calendar to the wall of the waiting room. We mark milestone dates with scientific flair: showering the birthday passenger with justified compliments and gift-technologies.
10 Years Old
Our applause for the little birthday celebrant with big ambitions. This age is marked by a phenomenal drive for self-realization, which quickly dissolves into real-world action. Daydreams are easily and enthusiastically brought into tangible form—for instance, in sand. It’s all better than endless talk about hidden potential, secret genius, or missed opportunities, as some might say. The development of imagination breaks all the adult records and…
“Wild fantasy will not lead to good,” whispers the hidden ageist from the corner of the room.
It already has. More than once. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a Children’s Invention Day on the international calendar. In gratitude to Benjamin Franklin and in his honor: at 12, the future politician presented the world with an early product of his rich imagination—swimming fins.
Are ten-year-olds detached from life, gazing through rose-colored glasses and contemplating cloudy skies? Looking beyond the horizon never hurt anyone. By the way, for this useful childhood habit, Andrei Khlopin (Russia) was entered into the Guinness World RRecord. This child-astronomer figured out the nature of the glowing silver clouds seen at night.
Our sincere wish to our birthday celebrant—to cherish every minute and use it for its intended purpose. Otherwise, the terrifying fantasy of Yevgeny Schwartz from The Tale of Lost Time might come true: “The poor children grew old and didn’t even notice it: after all, a person who loses time in vain doesn’t notice how they grow old.”
To prevent premature aging, we gift knitting needles and a ball of yarn, or a huge (this is important!) puzzle. Any slow tactile hobby requires full engagement in an activity that leads to a tangible result. The future adult is left alone with themselves, their bodily sensations. It’s a safe practice for developing independence, something they feel a strong need for.
20 Years Old
The age of spread wings. Physiologists with bated breath call this time golden. We, too, genuinely admire the highly developed motor skills, flexibility, and endurance of the young body. Confidence in one’s physical strength, the long-awaited severing of the umbilical cord, gives a sense of freedom. The endless freedom of choice. The search for oneself and the most comfortable life path can stretch for many years. The psychological paradox of choice is that the more abundant the bouquet of possibilities, the harder it becomes to settle with one flower and not look back regretfully at the vase.
“Here we go,” the station ageist encouraged. “You’ve got to take what’s offered, not be picky. No one’s looking for trouble when things are going well. There may not be a second chance.”
There will be more than one. That’s how the world works. Life itself is a chance: the maximum likelihood of conceiving a child on the perfect day is no more than 30%.
But mastering the skill of making choices is a sound idea. And not just anyone, but Salvador Dalí himself is about to hand you a useful gift.
A ribbon. Another one.
A box within a box.
Voilà! A spoon. Ordinary, not soft. But not for cake. It’s a training tool for developing creativity, essential for making life-changing decisions.
Instructions are included.
“Get comfortable in your chair with the spoon in your hands and close your eyes. After a few minutes, you’ll fall asleep. The period of transition, when the body relaxes and the brain stays awake, is called hypnagogia. If you suddenly awaken from this doze, for example, by the sound of the spoon dropping on the floor, a surge of creative energy is inevitable. Salvador Dalí, who practiced this method, managed to soar above reality. Why not try it yourself, you 20-year-olds? The view from above will let you assess life’s situation from all sides, in a surreal way.”
30 Years OLd
The wrinkliest age. In the literal sense. In fact, wrinkles are the markers by which one can calculate the number of years lived. In her well-known book Age: Advantages, Paradoxes, and Solutions, Russian physiologist and candidate of biological sciences Olga Shestova notes that age is accurately determined by the wrinkle in front of the ear. It first appears between 30 and 35 years old, and after 55, it becomes a full-fledged crease.
By the way, this marker is a well-known cause for distress. Almost as significant as the first gray hair.
“Oh, just wait,” the ageist chuckled maliciously. “A little more, and your whole body will look like an accordion.”
While we pour our opponent a soothing cup of chamomile tea, let’s have a heart-to-heart. What exactly is the cause of this pre-wrinkle panic attack? The folds on a baby’s soft skin are touching, pleated skirts are always in style, and the bark of an oak tree is graphic. Nothing prevents us from looking at wrinkles from a similar perspective. The editorial team of THE GLOBAL TECHNOLOGY magazine believes that one day, beautiful wrinkles, like an elegant suit, will receive refined and well-deserved compliments.
It’s useful to view the crease near the ear as a biological reminder to think not only about your work, but also about your body. You can live long and happily until death parts you from reality. And this moment can be postponed—with your trained hands.
We present an appropriate gift. No, not an anti-aging cream. We won’t take food from the commercially-minded pharmacists. In the festive box—a rowing machine. The reservoir of this sports equipment fills with a large volume of water, so that during training, you experience realistic sensations of overcoming water obstacles. With this acquired skill, it will be easier to swim through life confidently: with the current or against it. The choice is yours, just as it was with the spoon given to you at 20.
40 Years Old
At this point on the life path, speed decreases (along with muscle mass and metabolism). Time to gather stones. Not to build your last alpine hill. It’s time to separate the gems from the cobblestones, get rid of the latter as unnecessary ballast, and boldly step into your second youth.
“You’ll have a blast celebrating your 40th, but won’t make it to your 50th,” the rested ageist perked up. “Everyone knows that.”
They don’t know, they just superstitiously assume. The tradition of refusing to enjoy the pleasure of blowing out 40 candles on a lavish cake is still maintained in some Russian families. One possible reason for this anti-celebratory stubbornness lies in the false etymological associations between the words forty and fate (the word rok in Russian, meaning destiny or doom). People who suffer from tetraphobia (fear of the number 4) also tend to be cautious about this disputed date.
For everyone else, we invite you to the festive table. A gift awaits you. Ready?
A certificate for a masterclass on learning to play the imaginary guitar. Yes, there is such a hobby. Once your skill level reaches a certain threshold, you can head to the world championship. Instead of a boring vacation river cruise to the neighboring village. Our goal is to peek beyond the horizon with the enthusiasm of a ten-year-old child.
50 Years Old
Personal time. Menopause for women, andropause for men.
“The equator—the time of half-life,” the spiteful ageist couldn’t resist commenting.
But the birthday celebrant is unlikely to pay attention to this remark. This is the age paradox in action: the older we get, the happier we feel. Scientists explain this phenomenon by an improvement in mental health. The accumulated life experience allows us to replace lost abilities with other joys of life.
Does it seem like the train is speeding too quickly toward its destination? Then it looks like we’ve chosen the right gift. It will help you cope with that unsettling, persistent thought.
Here you go! These clocks are made to bring you joy.
“How awful!”—the station ageist panicked, clutching his head. “How tactless! How can you hint at how much time is left, especially at this age!”
The medieval fear of a clock mechanism is a sign of pathological technological backwardness. The expectation that a person’s heart will stop beating as soon as their clock breaks is based on superstitious fantasies. However, our editorial team had no intention of imposing our rules on anyone. The clocks we gave are sand clocks: their purpose is not to subtract seconds from your life. This is a gift with meaning. We believe that the owner of these clocks will reject the linear measurement of their existence. A sand clock can be flipped at any time, and everything will start again.
At 60–70 years old, for example, it’s the perfect time to engage in self-education. Start from scratch with something that wasn’t required of you before, but that your soul craves. The accumulated professional and life experience, which allows you to do routine tasks automatically, frees up time for learning. For example, at the Moscow Silver University, prospective students can choose from dozens of educational programs, including basics of video editing and computer graphics.
“Can a person really learn much when they are starting to forget things they’ve already learned?” the ageist snorted.
My dear friend, you have apophenia—the tendency to see causal connections where they don’t exist. Or is ageism and apophenia synonymous?
By the way, did you forget your carriage number? Distraction won’t check your passport, but it will definitely find its way to those who didn’t exercise with a spoon in their carefree 20s. If you constantly maintain brain activity at the required level, cognitive decline can be prevented.
At 80, it’s time to master the toys of the new generation. Here, dear grandmother, take a Labuba instead of a Barbie. It’s okay to indulge in childhood again when you have grandchildren. With them comes the happy time of second parenthood—more shared leisure and less household chores and responsibility.
The long-awaited 90th birthday—the perfect time to start a modeling career. A new, softer niche. The dull AI algorithms can’t be bothered to fill fake accounts of eternally young, abstract models with unnatural proportions. The aesthetics of aging are still in search of their beautiful ambassadors. In 2023, the cover of Vogue featured a photo of 91-year-old American model Carmen Dell’Orefice. The issue was dedicated to timeless glamour. A sensation? Yes. But only for now. Life expectancy is growing, and so is the army of pro-age philosophy advocates. In the near future, the media will have to adjust to the increasing demands of the silver audience.
The editorial team of THE GLOBAL TECHNOLOGY magazine enthusiastically carries out its pro-age mission. Now, we bring a glass of tears from a repentant ageist to our 100-year-old celebrant. You, meanwhile, should enjoy filling out your calendar further.
200 Years Old
While living organisms undergo translocation, deletion, and duplication, we offer scientific knowledge without mutations – only useful discoveries and theories.
Thank you!
