Category: Cognitive technologies
The raccoon’s social network: if he had a blog
“Friendship is when you can drop a sandwich into the dirt, knowing that it will be returned to you anyway. After it’s been washed first, actually”
Found somewhere on the Internet
Hello everyone! I’m Coco, and I am a raccoon! That means: the smartest, the most beautiful, and incredibly agile. I’ve been living among you—humans—for 3 years, 2 months, 17 days, 13 hours, and… 59 minutes. And I have something to tell you.
Now that Robert has finally realized that hiding things from me is useless, it’s raccoon time!
P.S. Don’t you believe I’ve figured out your gadgets? Here’s a selfie!
#RaccoonTime #NightRaid #Selfie #IStoleYourPhoneAgain
Who is Robert?
My answer: most likely, Robert is also a raccoon. But it’s big, bald, without a mask on his face, and very silly. Yes, yes, I think he’s just pretending to be human. I was very tiny when the sneaky peanut butter led me into your world. It was scary. And then Robert appeared.
He was completely wild. He somehow shoved me into a cage and filled my bowl with stinky cat food. He tried to grab me with his hands, but a good nibble immediately put everything in its place. Then I pretended to be sleeping. For a long time. Until stupid Robert fell asleep himself. Then I escaped from the cage and touched everything—and even nibbled some things. In the morning, Robert kept shaking his head for a long time and changed the latch on the cage. Naive. It took him a whole month to realize that I would still escape and touch everything with my paws.
The most annoying part: he didn’t understand anything. I hissed, yelled, growled, purred, oinked—and even said “oinnnnggg” twice! I stood in the “go away” pose and in the “I want to eat” pose. But Robert remained deaf. We quickly sorted out food though—he developed a habit of sitting by the cage and reading books aloud. I had to poke this fool with my paws or nibble him so he’d finally bring food. And cat food isn’t as bad—even if it’s stinky.
Two more weeks passed as Robert got used to the fact that the corner by the window in the big room is my corner. A nibble. A nibble again. And one more nibble. That’s how we agreed: everything around is ours, but this corner is mine.
Then I started suspecting his raccoon origins. Turns out he can nibble too! My poor ears! Like me, he loves lounging around, playing, and touching everything without hesitation. We even sleep according to the rules—in a big raccoon heap: me, Robert, and our cat.
Sometimes Robert tries to say “oinnnnggg”—he talks quite a lot in your human language. But the good thing is that at least he managed to learn some raccoon words as well.
That’s how we live now—though he just refuses to wash his food before eating.
P.S. Here’s a photo of him—my silly Robert.
#AlmostARaccoon #YouDontKnowAnythingRobert #Selfie #ThePhoneIsStillWithMe
To nibble or not to nibble?
The first rule of a raccoon: nibble! If I can’t nibble you, what are teeth for? But nibbles can be different!
Here’s a little dictionary for clarity:
- Gentle nibble—you’re a good friend.
- Tender nibble—you’re a very good friend.
- Love nibble—I love you so much I’d eat you.
- Angry nibble—go away; you’re annoying.
- Offended nibble—you’re a bad friend.
- Impatient nibble—hurry up, give it to me!
- Playful nibble—I’m having fun.
- Approving nibble—well done!
- Warning nibble—don’t do that.
- Just a nibble—no comment.
By the way, Robert also nibbles sometimes, rarely now but before… He bit all my ears! Just if I bit him slightly harder on his hand, ear or leg, or anything, and bam—a counter-nibble right away, with no extra info or anything else—just grumbling something and that’s it! Now I don’t bite him hard, just in case.
By the way, do you think Robert can tell one bite from another? Write in the comments below!
P.S.: Maybe I’ll go bite him now… Because I’m not sleeping—and he is!
#ToNibbleOrToNibble #NibbleDictionary #RobertStopNibbling #OneMoreNibble
Important day
Today is special! I mean, night, of course. One and a half years have passed and it’s time to change that very place again. Only cats can do their business in the same letter box every time. But every self-respecting raccoon knows: the place needs changing.
Last time I chose the shoe cabinet—but Robert didn’t approve of it right away; you see, he had to clear my surprises from there and put his shoes back in place afterward and then he changed his mind and put a white cloth there—a tasteless white cloth—okay, I did my thing there… Next time the cloth was still there, dirty like a raccoon had pooped there the day before—I threw it away and closed the cabinet after doing my black business.
Robert started changing cloths more often, and then he brought in a litter box!!! But with a cloth. Okay. Then the litter box started moving around. Well. First it moved from the back side to the door; then it crawled outside, and now stands very close to our cat’s litter box—horrible!
Nope, the place needs changing. Maybe here—on the table in front of the vase with fruit? Or the place where Robert keeps his synthetic skins? Or behind the cat bed?
While thinking about it, I accidentally answered nature’s call in my litter box. Out of frustration I flipped over the cat’s one too. That’s it—I don’t want to think about this today anymore—I’ll do it tomorrow.
Because places need changing! Or not? Or yes? Do you often change important things, or keep postponing forever?
P.S.: You’re wrong—Robert’s already figured out what’s a nibble; he just divides them into two types: stop doing something and start doing something new—that smart guy!
#TimeToChangePlaces #IPoopedInTheCabinet #SafetyFirst
Living together means making compromises
For some reason, Robert thinks that as soon as we leave home, I will definitely run away. That’s true but still upsetting. So I have to make compromises with him—two big ones:
He calls the first one “a harness.” It’s such a tricky rope that prevents me from running far away—even though Robert himself is kind of like a raccoon—but still pulls me down from trees and doesn’t let me check trash bins—that’s what this harness does.
I found and tore apart the first two ones myself, but then clever Robert started putting it on me every day—I didn’t even notice how I got used to it or forgot it was on, and outside home there are so many things left unexamined! Also, the harness is much better than the second compromise.
Robert calls it “a carrier”—it usually stands right next to my corner. As soon as I get inside, Robert is near it right away—and tasty treats with him! While we’re at home—it’s fine: you get inside, have a snack, get petted on your head, and even a gentle bite is possible in return, but outside it gets boring sitting in the carrier—you hide inside like some cat and can’t touch anything at all.
Boring, but tasty treats… Boring, but tasty treats are delicious!
P.S.: Here’s an awesome photo for you: me—with the harness, carrier, and a small pile of Roberts’ stuff.
#RaccoonMustTouchThings #CleverRobert #Selfie #MyCompromises #MorningWillBeDark
How much water does a respectable raccoon need?
A lot! To always have enough everywhere—to drink from, to wet paws after misdeeds, and to rinse an apple or two… In my corner there’s a big wooden bath where someone (more precisely—Robert) has forgotten to pour water today!!!
Sitting dry is sad and boring—I broke our cat drinking fountain. I drank from it, I poured water over myself, I poured water over the cat (in case he was offended), found tons of unnecessary stuff in the closet, I wanted to wash them but ran out of water again…
Well, I’ve seen many times where Robert gets water. You just need to climb onto a cupboard, crawl into a ceramic sink, throw out a dirty mug, and lift this thing here! Hooray—water! A lot of water!
I managed to pull my bath only halfway across the room before I got tired and soaked myself long in the sink. I called for our cat but he didn’t come-he is suffering—and so is our plant in its pot. I’ve put the soil and the plant into water and filled the pot up. The cat has been watered too—so now he is running around the house and screaming—expressing his happiness!
I think it’s better to put the plant into the drinking cup—there’s more space, the water is cleaner, and it’s pleasant for our kitty. I’ll show it to Robert when he comes back; surely he’ll appreciate it!
#WaterForRaccoons #SillyRobert #HappyCat #Water #PlantRenovations
Who are you? Leave please—I didn’t invite you!
I don’t like guests. What a silly habit of inviting someone over and pretending everything’s okay. What if they start touching my stuff? Or me? Or Robert? It makes me nervous every time—but Robert doesn’t care at all. Today he has been weird since morning: boring and taciturn. He was not interested in orange peels or tugging ropes either.
He spent all day staring at himself in the mirror. I looked too—there was some raccoon. A strange raccoon: firm when touched and it didn’t smell like anything. That almost made me bite him—but then Robert ran off to open the door—instead of tasty treats there stood… Roberta!
Roberta is kind of a female version of Robert—and she definitely isn’t a raccoon! From her very first day she started grabbing me and squeezing me. She rudely invaded my territory and even tried to steal my balls. Out of respect for Robert I politely growl at her; but out of respect for myself—I make painful nibbles whenever I reach certain parts of her body.
And what? They have their rut while I have to give way? No way! And she doesn’t let us sleep peacefully in a pile either! You see, I bite her! But that’s because she shouldn’t toss and turn while sleeping! So now I have to sleep with our cat—even though he’s been hissing since yesterday for some reason—do you think I should water him once again?
In Roberta’s visits there’s only one plus: while Robert brushes her fur or massages her back—I can check her bag—it sometimes has treats—or even some new stuff for me.
#ANibbleAgain #Roberta #ItWasntMeWhoSwallowedLipstick #NoGuests
Breaking means exploring
Yesterday, our cat and I had a competition: who can make the biggest mess in the room faster and more thoroughly. The cat lost outright. While he was scratching the wallpaper, I managed to:
Open the freezer and throw all the frozen food onto the floor,
Tip over the trash can,
Put three chicken bones into the freezer,
Take out the TV remote control,
Disassemble the remote control,
Toss batteries https://theglobal.technology/ru/issue-19/technologies/tamagotchi-and-love-on-batteries/ into a flower vase,
Peel off a large strip of wallpaper from the wall,
Check Robert’s pockets,
Bite into all the fruits in the vase on the table,
Scatter books from the bottom shelf of the bookcase,
And drag a model of an unfinished ship into my corner.
Do you know why the cat has lost eighteen consecutive competitions? Because he’s not interested. He lacks that creative explorer’s spirit.
For example, yesterday I discovered what’s inside a music box: rings, chains, dice, lots of plastic, a glass ballerina, and some other metal bits. Under the wallpaper, by the way, there’s nothing interesting; the remote control doesn’t work without batteries; and books aren’t tasty.
Our house is full of possibilities! Over three years, I still haven’t explored it completely. It’s all Robert’s fault: every time I thoroughly investigate one sofa, a new one appears in its place. And under no upholstery is there ever anything tasty.
So how can I stop this cycle of exploration?
Here’s a selfie: me, the remote and remnants of that ship.
#IDon’tBreak #ExplorationCompleted #BiteScratch #ThisIsInteresting
Order You Don’t Understand
Roberta loves to rearrange everything. As soon as she shows up at our house for just two days, items start moving around instantly. Not just in common areas but even in my corner!!!
Yesterday she threw out all the carefully collected stuffing from an old sofa.
I’ve tried nibbling her, growling, trying to take things back—useless. She unwaveringly enforces her “order” and takes my stuff away. And then every night I retrieve it: sometimes from her bag, sometimes from the trash.
Please don’t do that.
Humans! Never touch someone else’s things. If you think some proper raccoon made a mess, look closer. Maybe you’re witnessing an organized nonlinear order. Or maybe not—either way, don’t interfere! Leave all the raccoon staff to the raccoon!
Roberta is wild and silly. She thinks if she puts something up high in a cabinet I won’t reach it. But I’ve already done it. I’ve got her bag, peanut paste, and all of the cat’s toys. Half of it I kept for myself—but he’s happy with what’s left. Now he’ll start making noise and the Roberts won’t sleep peacefully—it’s their own fault.
P.S. If you have a free, smart, charming roommate—why try to re-educate him?
#I’veHadIt #YouAreTheMess #ARRRGH #RaccoonHasRights
Why Do You Eat Weird Things?
We made peace with Robert. He realized everything and brought treats; he even scolded Roberta several times. Yesterday we all even slept together. Out of happiness, I only nibbled twice. Then Roberta brought me a tasty apple.
She washed it in the sink; I washed it too, just in case—twice.
You think washing everything multiple times is silly? Try catching a frog or a fat slug and eating it without washing—slippery, gross, with sand crunching on your teeth. And what if it’s a mouse? It squirms and bites back; wash it—all good then.
But it’s just annoying that humans eat strange things. Once Robert and Roberta brought something incredible: big, pink, sticky, and sweet on a stick. Of course I snatched it for myself and washed it—now only the stick remained; that sweet stuff disappeared just like those colorful squares did earlier. Robert was upset: “Where’s my cotton candy?” he said. How should I know? I gnawed on the stick—it was sweet. Gave Robert two apple peels and a chicken bone from the trash—washed.
Thinking about doing a big laundry soon. I’ve already tossed some cat food into the bathtub—it doesn’t go bad but gets bigger and juicier. Need to check what from Robert’s food can be washed and what disappears.
I’ll handle it tonight because Roberta is looking at me very suspiciously right now. What’s wrong? This is only my third time washing her apple; after two more times I’ll eat it. Probably.
#IsThisFood #WhereIsMyCottonCandy #QualityCheck #WashWashWash
Time to Protest!
I’ve been reading your comments—thanks to everyone who envied me! Respect to those who called me cute or wrote “Aww.” But some folks are going to get a big nasty nibble! That’s you, owl_bear2012!
Here’s my selfie! Look at how great I am: perfect fur coat, fluffy paws that are strong, I am nimble like four cats combined, and very smart too. So how dare you, owl_bear2012, criticize me for overeating? I protest! I eat only three times a day.
Today at breakfast I plan to eat: a plate of pearl barley porridge, a piece of fish or meat, some green peas, a cucumber, yogurt, a couple of walnuts, a handful of blackberries, grapes (a bunch), and three quail eggs. For lunch, I guess, some carrots and a drumstick. And dinner https://theglobal.technology/issue-10/inspiration/ode-to-food/? Far away—so no plans yet because I’m not an overeater!
I’m proud of myself: we always have plenty of food at home with Robert but I never allow myself an extra cookie or even try to get into that jar of peanut butter. The one on the middle shelf behind the gingerbread vase—unless the cat accidentally knocks it over…
By the way—where is he?
#EatingInModeration #NotAnOvereater #CatKnockedEverythingOverAgain #IWantACookie
Is Robert a Blogger?
Humans! You won’t believe how surprised and disappointed I was today when I found out that my Robert also has a blog! That cheeky raccoon posts my photos without asking—where I’m eating or sleeping or brushing my teeth!
And adds silly captions like “Coco and a pumpkin,” “Trash panda at work,” and others like “Raccoon at play.”
Or this one:
“Hello friends! Many admire my raccoon and ask me: ‘Where can I get one?’ Just so you know: raccoons are not pets; they’re wild animals—even if they’ve been with you since childhood.
Raccoons are stubborn; they love to dominate and test boundaries. Furniture, wallpaper, tires, your favourite cup…everything will be chewed up, disassembled or hidden. If you fall asleep at night—your raccoon will raid everything loudly like construction workers.
You will be bitten a lot, often, and painfully.
You can’t tame or train a raccoon; you can only raise it with cunning and patience.
I love my troublemaker but I’ll tell you honestly: a raccoon is a little kid—a destroyer that will never grow up.”
He loves, yeah, right. And raising up with cunning? Now everything makes sense, everything! Why the treats are needed and why I can’t bite Roberta. Soon there will be destruction for you, Robert! Oh yes!!!
#AndYouRobert #IAmWild #MessInProgress #ARRRRHG
To Tame or To Be Friends?
If you’re worried about Robert—relax: no messes happened; even the nibble was friendly—not aggressive. Why? Because Robert is a raccoon. That means: the smartest, most handsome, incredibly agile—just like me! It doesn’t matter what he writes for you; what matters is what he does.
He goes wild, meets Roberta, and makes noise during the daytime when I sleep. But that’s how it should be! A raccoon is just that—a raccoon! And who is human if not human?
Now that my life is laid out before you like an open book—compare it with yours: are you also open to fun, joy—and wildness? Do you have enough wildness and spontaneity to be yourself?
I taught Robert how to be friends after he taught this to me—and that’s more important than any training.
And you? Be honest—are you being trained right now? Or maybe are you training someone else? Or both? And here’s my main question: do we need to change someone who doesn’t want to change?
It’s not rhetorical—but you shouldn’t say the answer to me but to yourself.
P.S.: Nibbling both of your cheeks! Yours, Coco.
#ISaidItAll #RaccoonsAreRight #WhoIsHuman #QuestionOfQuestions
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